whisperingly I recently visited with a member of my church and the topic of parental discipline came up. She asked me for help understanding when to discipline and how to get to the heart of the matter. In a sermon she listened to over the weekend she heard me say that parents should strive for more than behavior modification; we should pursue the heart issues behind the bad behavior. 

Her question to me was how do we get to the heart issue? She relayed to me a scenario in which her adolescent son asked his father if he could make coffee for himself. The father told him no before heading off to work. In an all-too-common move, the young man capitalized on a moment of opportunity when his dad was gone and his mom was not aware of the situation and made the coffee, despite being told no. 

HOW DO WE DISCIPLINE THE HEART ISSUE?

Mom was not pleased with this as they have a general rule that the kids do not drink coffee. She confirmed with Dad that he did not give permission. Busted! Mom made the young man leave the coffee in the car when they arrived at school. No coffee for you, bud! Good job, Mom. But is that enough? Technically, she punished the young man by not allowing him to drink his coffee. Still, she knew she needed to address the deeper issue of disobedience. That’s where she asked for advice and this is perhaps where you might also benefit in your parenting: how do we discipline the heart issue and not simply punish the behavior?

She and I brain-stormed for a moment and I asked, “What does the Bible say about disobeying parents?”Then it hit me – have this 7th-grade student write an essay on what the Bible says about disobeying parents. This will be especially effective as the boy is wrapping up school and his mind is turning away from academics and toward summer sports. It’s also age-appropriate and is instructive. Not only that, but it disciplines the child’s heart, the source of the sin problem. By the way, the gospel is the answer to all sin problems!

Obviously, writing an essay on what the Bible says about such and such an issue is not universally applicable or appropriate. Your children may not even be able to read yet, let alone write an essay. Or the misbehavior may call for greater or lesser discipline. The point is this mom asked the right question, “How do I discipline the sin problem?” 

A SINFUL ATTITUDE OF THE HEART

At the heart of every act of misbehavior, in children and adults, is a sinful attitude of the heart. I believe it was John Calvin who called kids, “little vipers in covenant diapers.” A little tongue-in-cheek, but if you’re a parent you sort of have to agree with him at least occasionally! 

Identifying and addressing the sinful attitude is where you want to get to most of the time. Sometimes circumstances require a swift and decisive disciplinary act, which you may or may not be able to follow-up on later. But if your parenting is characterized by constant sharp, punitive action, your children may grow up to be obedient, but with resentful hearts. 

TRAIN UP A CHILD

“Spare the rod, spoil the child,” the bible says. Yes, there is a time for swift, decisive action. But the bible has at its undergirding presupposition that parents are diligently training their children to walk in the ways of the Lord. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is God’s definitive instruction to parents to teach the commands of God “diligently” to their children at every opportunity. This concept is repeated in Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Paul gives similar instructions to parents in Ephesians 6:4, “ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  

It seems safe to conclude that the opposite of careful discipline is provoking to anger. When we punish behavior without disciplining the heart issues and training our children diligently, we provoke them to anger. Anger leads to resentment, resentment leads to rebellion, and no Christian parent wants their child to be resentful and rebellious. 

So the question remains, how do we discipline the sin issues rather than simply modify behavior? There are no shortcuts. There’s a reason Deuteronomy 6 says parents are to talk about the commands of the Lord when they rise and when they lay down; when they sit and when they walk. To do this “diligently” requires that we actively train our children to walk with the Lord. 

LITTLE SINNERS IN NEED OF A SAVIOR

The very first thing we must do is help them see they are sinners and their misbehavior is not simply a “bad choice.” No, they are rebellious and sinful acts of disobedience. Gently reminding your children of why they need Jesus is a very loving thing to do. They need to know that they, like every other person on the planet, are a sinner in need of a Savior.  

So we begin by acknowledging that misbehavior is rooted in sin. Then we consider what the Bible says about that particular sin. My wife and I discovered a bible study tool called Child Training Bible which addresses the most common behavorial problems and identifies scripture verses that deal with them. This is a great place to start! It takes some time to organize the tool in your bible, but once you do, it makes it really easy to explore various passages related to that particular sin. 

Once you can identify the deeper sin issue and what the Bible says about that sin, you can then consider how to best discipline the child accordingly. Did your child attack another child? Perhaps the root sin is not a heart of violence, but anger, or jealousy, or impatience. How you discipline those different sins varies. Suppose your child punched another child because he skipped the lunch line. Rather than informing a teacher or just letting it slide, the child acted on his impatient impulses. The real issue is not that he threw hands, but that he is impatient. To discipline for violence may work for this scenario, but what about the next one? Better to consider how to deal with the impatience while also addressing the violence. If this were my child I would likely issue an immediate age-appropriate punishment and then follow-up with discipline that addresses his impatience. 

TWO CAUTIONS

I offered two words of caution to the mom I visited with. The first caution before disciplining a child is to make sure the instructions are clear. In her situation, she wasn’t certain dad gave an explicit “No.” Perhaps the dad thought he said no, or suggested it may not be a good idea. Neither of these is a clear no to an adolescent. Don’t discipline a child if you have not been clear in your guidance. 

BE CLEAR

I’ve been there! Distracted, tired, frustrated…I just don’t want to make a decision so I lob out some jello of an answer. We confuse and frustrate our children when we offer vague or wishy-washy guidance. I encouraged this mom to confirm with her husband that he clearly told the child “no coffee.” If the answer wasn’t clear, the discipline ought to be directed toward themselves. The Lord tells us to “let your yes be yes and your no be no” even when you’re distracted, tired, or frustrated! 

THREE D’S OF DISCIPLINE

The second caution I offered was that we discipline our children for willful acts of disobedience. Sarah Edwards, wife of Pastor Jonathan Edwards, offered three situations in which to discipline children. These can be called the “Three D’s of discipline.” Mrs. Edwards suggests we discipline children for defiance, deception, and danger. 

Defiance is the persistent, wilfull refusal to comply with clearly stated guidance or rules. In the above scenario, assuming dad gave a clear “No,” the boy would need to be disciplined for defiance. Deception is knowingly telling falsehoods, deliberately withholding the truth, or making false allegations against others. Danger is that which is posed to self or others. I would adapt this D to “Destruction” and include the willful destruction of property along with destructive behavior toward self or others. 

The reason the three D’s of discipline are necessary is that parents are sinful people, too, and sometimes we respond poorly when something doesn’t go our way. (Boy, I feel like I need to acknowledge that’s an understatement if ever there was one!) Sometimes parents get frustrated with their child’s behavior and punish them when they should actually be training or correcting them. For instance, suppose a child has never been taught that grabbing a pot handle on a stove is inherently dangerous and should only be done with caution, knowing whether it is full or empty, hot or cold. Suppose this child reaches up and grabs a handle. This calls for immediate, decisive action, but not discipline. It warrants instruction and training, instead.     

Another scenario in which discipline would not be the most appropriate action is in the case of an accident. Even adults make mistakes, handle things carelessly, and have accidents. Again, training and instructing children how to be more careful, what is appropriate play, or how to hold a cup of milk securely is a more appropriate way to handle accidents. If your child persistently acts carelessly and recklessly in spite of your training, the issue is not accidents, but defiance. We discipline defiance, but not honest mistakes. 

A third scenario in which we do not discipline is when there is a sincere lack of clarity, or ignorance of what is acceptable. When I was a freshman in high school I stayed out at a cast party with my theater club until 3:00am. My parents had no idea the address of the party or how to contact me. They were understandably worried sick! In my mind, though, I told them what I was doing and technically where I would be – a cast party at so-and-so’s house. I had never been given a curfew and no one asked for the address or the phone number to the house. It was a legitimate example of lack of clarity. I truly didn’t know any better. Thankfully, my parents saw it the same way and despite their anxiety and frustration, they sought to train me rather than discipline me. I did, however, get a curfew from that night on. 

HEAVENLY SANDPAPER

A dear friend of my wife and I, a woman in her late 70’s with lots of wisdom and lots of experience raising children, told us, “Children are heavenly sandpaper.” Ah, yes they are! The Lord uses our children to train, correct, and discipline us as His own children. They are not problems to be dealt with; they are image-bearers to be cultivated and shaped into His image. We cannot parent them into being Christians, but we can prepare their hearts and set an example of what obedience looks like. For parents, obedience to our Heavenly Father looks like training our children, not just punishing them when they do something we don’t appreciate. 

Parenting is a tough job, but the reward is sweet! My wife and I are far from experts in this field. We’re still in the trenches with you. But we’re seeing the fruit of our training begin to blossom. I’ve been told the teenage years are miserable. I don’t want to speak too soon, but I am thoroughly enjoying my teenagers! I am thrilled to laugh with them, have deep conversations with them, and watch them develop in character and maturity and love for Christ! Hang in there! It’s a job worth doing well.